Vancouver (CAN)  June 19, 2014
FEI Launches New Product Line
In its never-ending quest to appear to be upholding the principles of horse welfare and fair play, the FEI has today announced two exciting new products. Developed by former members of Lance Armstrong’s private support team, these products are an indispensable aid to  the efforts of athletes, officials, trainers, grooms, FEI staff, volunteers and  hangers-on alike to come out of any situation smelling like roses, no matter how damning the circumstances. These cutting-edge products are particularly effective for those all-too-common cases where guilt is bleedingly obvious to everyone but those responsible  either for committing the unseemly act or for meting out the consequences.
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Clean Sport is the very latest in deodorant technology. This specially formulated unisex stick is guaranteed to wipe all traces of culpability with its fresh scent of innocence.  Clean Sport leaves no visible trace after application and comes in three different but equally effective fragrances, depending your specific needs on any given day:   The Groom Did It,  Save My Bacon and extra-strength Environmental Contamination.
In early trials with real, actual FEI athletes, the testimonials have been overwhelming:
Show Jumper Denis Lynch: “I love Clean Sport! It says right on the label that it will not test positive!”
Endurance Rider Sheikh Hamdan bin Mohammed Al Maktoum: “Both my Marmoogs love how I smell when I go to the stables every day to groom them after applying Clean Sport to my armpits. They just nuzzle right into me!”
Dressage Rider Isabell Werth: “Jawohl! If only my national federation were half as interested in exonerating persons responsible through any means possible!”
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For bigger messes that require more rigorous treatment, the FEI is delighted to introduce the perfect receptacle for all manner of nasty deeds. Integrity Units are made of the toughest material ever used in cover-up technology. Completely leak proof and odour eliminating, they provide a foolproof foil to nosy do-gooders looking for cheaters. No one will suspect these cute little packages, with their charming FEI-themed  mauve colour, of containing your dirty secrets. Once you have placed your evidence in an Integrity Unit, you needn’t worry about ever hearing about it again.
Correct use of an Integrity Unit

Correct use of an Integrity Unit

Clean Sport™ and Integrity Units™, essential items for any horse show tack trunk,  are available for online purchase at FEIgoodies.com.  For a limited time only, Endurance riders are eligible for a two-for-one offer. Wait, there’s more! If you are an Endurance rider AND from one of the middle eastern countries currently featured on the FEI’s table of suspensions, you will receive a triple order for the price of one.

Stay tuned for announcements of more products in this fabulous new line. The creation team is hard at work on several more products, including invisible ink for use in FEI passports, as well as an Epi-pen style injector small enough to conceal inside a shirt sleeve – so that no matter how vigilantly monitored the vet gate, you can always slip a little something to your four legged best friend to help him get through that next lap at 40 km/hr.
(Disclaimer: The promotional material above has not been approved for circulation by the FEI)