Developing Self-Compassion: Don't be So Hard on Yourself!

If you have been riding for any length of time, chances are you have experienced some of the setbacks equestrian sport has to offer. This may include physical injury from falls, devastating show experiences where you choked and lost everything, or harsh criticism from others, including yourself.

As painful as these experiences are, some riders can survive and grow. For others, these challenges can derail confidence, mental health and even lead to quitting for good. One of the key elements to re-emerging from setbacks and moving forward again has to do with skills of self-compassion.

You heard that right, self-compassion is important to resiliency.

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Like other athletes, you may at first see self-compassion as “soft” and reject its ability to help you achieve better rides. You may very well share the perspective of Sue, an aspiring amateur hunter rider who was certain self-compassion could not help her become more competitive and advance her riding career.

“If I just be nice and accept these stupid mistakes I am making, how will I get better? I need that mean jerk in my head in order to motivate me to get it together!’

Like Sue, you may be confused about what self-compassion is and how it applies to your sport.
Simply put, it is compassion applied to yourself. When you see your friend in tears after a bad round you have empathy and a desire to help or support them. Self-compassion is being both aware of your own suffering and striving to be kind and supportive as you move through the experience.

Sue came to realize her ‘inner jerk’ was modelled after a real one — a coach from long ago who was prone to berating students, not instructing them.

In the sport world, self-compassion is gaining increasing interest for its potential as a personal resource that athletes can utilize to navigate tough moments. It has been shown to be positively related to thriving in sport, mental toughness and faster recovery from setbacks.

And then back to Sue, who came to realize her ‘inner jerk’ was modelled after a real one — a coach from long ago who was prone to berating students, not instructing them. “I can see how his approach left me demoralized and wanting to give up. I think he thought it was motivating and made us all try harder, but the thing is, we didn’t know how. He never helped with that part. The coach I have now actually is compassionate toward me, but she certainly is not ‘soft!’ She says ‘lots of riders will make mistakes, we all do. But I want you to be the one who listens, who learns and goes back in with a different plan.’”

Self-compassion is about accepting difficult circumstances and feelings so you can find it in yourself to get back to work and solve problems you need to solve. Harsh and abusive self-talk involves dismissing your feelings and your effort, and more often than not leads to giving up or becoming immobilized.

Instead of beating yourself up, think about what you would say to a friend experiencing a similar situation.

Now, which one looks like it leads to increased resiliency?

Getting started on your self-compassion skills:

1. When facing your next setback, instead of beating yourself up, think about what you would say to a friend experiencing a similar situation. Then visualize it, see yourself giving kind advice about how to problem-solve to this person. Then take that feeling and plan and move forward yourself. Practicing seeing ourselves from an observer point of view can help assist in the application of self-compassion.

2. Try a self-compassionate response to your mistakes: “This is hard, I’m doing my best, I’ll get there.” Remember that self-compassion is not about complacency; it is about encouraging yourself to be understanding of your feelings, and that you are not alone in your struggles. Everyone goes through difficult setbacks large and small, as Sue’s coach said so wisely. Getting to the other side of those setbacks involves good support and coaching- from you.

3. Think about how someone you care about comforts you physically. It may be a hug, a squeeze of your arm or rub of your shoulder. That calming feeling you experience is a real physiological reaction or activation of your parasympathetic system, and you can achieve it for yourself. The next time you feel emotional or upset over a disappointment, experiment with offering a supportive touch to yourself. Rub your arm, apply some gentle pressure to your shoulder, even stretch your arms out and hug yourself. No one will know what you are doing — it may just look like an itch or stretch to them. Little do they know you will be applying a strategy designed to boost your resiliency.

Consider experimenting with some self-compassion in your approach to your sport. For more information and self-compassion guidance, check out premier researcher in this area, Dr. Kristin Neff at www.self-compassion.org