Rider Psychology

Horses, Humans and Love

This exclusive excerpt from Tim Hayes' new book talks about the compassionate way horses relate to each other, and what they can teach us about ourselves.

(background: wal_172619 from Pixabay)

By: Tim Hayes | February 13, 2025

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you're listening to an article from horse sport.com. horses, humans and love by: tim hayes. tim hayes holds a ba in psychology from the university of vermont and is an adjunct professor of equine therapy and natural horsemanship at the university of vermont and vermont state university. he is an internationally recognized clinician, conducting clinics in natural horsemanship, equine-assisted therapy, and self-discovery. ***. when i sat down to write this book, in what could be called the fourth and final quarter of my life, i was filled with enormous gratitude for the many years i was able to be with horses. i was struck not only by how much i had learned about them but how much they had taught me about myself. even more remarkable was what horses taught me about love—love in our relationships, love for humanity, and most importantly…love for ourselves. horses have taught me how to be a better person, a better partner, a better parent, and how to have better relationships with anyone—most of all, with myself. advertisement scroll to continue with content born in 1945, i grew up and developed my own belief in the meaning of love. i determined it was a combination of romance, sex, and the feeling of being loved by someone. horses changed all that. after studying horse relationships for many years, i discovered that what i now call love was made manifest as i observed the compassionate qualities in how horses treated and related to each other. these, i learned from my horsemanship teachers, were referred to as herd dynamics. treating one another with these altruistic behaviors not only allowed horses to form and sustain constructive lifelong relationships, it enabled them to peacefully live together, and thus was part of a skillset that had ensured their survival for more than fifty million years. these altruistic qualities of equine herd dynamics have since become my template for the love i believe is just as indispensable in all human-to-human relationships, including marriages, partnerings, parenting, and most importantly with ourselves. my first book, riding home: the power of horses to heal, published in 2015, explained how and why horses have the extraordinary ability to heal deep psychological wounds in humans, such as those suffered by a war veteran with ptsd, an individual with an addiction, a troubled teenager, or basically anyone in emotional pain who has lost their way. as interest in equine-assisted therapy began to increase, i was asked to use riding home as a textbook and teach the principles, methods, and techniques that i had used and experienced at two universities and in international clinics. in both venues the participants were men and women who wanted to learn how and why equine-assisted therapy had become such a powerfully effective method of healing in the field of mental health. these classes and clinics were not for people seeking help with their own personal mental or emotional issues, but for those looking to understand and help further the uses of the therapy itself. after working with hundreds of people who were not actively seeking therapy but were just interested in the subject, i discovered that the self- awareness people experienced from interacting with horses, regardless of what brought them there in the first place, would often lead to life-changing personal discoveries. creating a safe, non-judgmental relationship with a horse could actually reveal what people thought about themselves. if i asked you to make a list of all the people you love, how long would it take until you put yourself on the list? as the individuals attending my university classes and worldwide clinics shared their feelings about the work we were doing together, one specific and deeply personal admission about their self-esteem was revealed so often it seemed to be almost universal: nearly everyone at some point harbored feelings of inadequacy. when this happened, i’d share what i had learned from horses about love, and specifically, the importance of loving oneself. i would explain that when you truly love yourself, you know:. you are a one-of-a-kind human. you are important. you matter. your life has meaning. when you know these things, you unconditionally love and accept yourself just as you are, regardless of your education, money, career, job, partner, spouse, house, car, what you look like, and what you perceive to be your personal shortcomings. you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone to establish your self-worth. when you don’t completely believe and feel this way, you will most likely experience intermittent feelings of inadequacy. these are often expressed as feeling like you’re not enough or not good enough. when you truly love yourself, it is impossible to feel inadequate. i would ask everyone in my classes and clinics (and i ask you, the reader, now) the following question: “if i asked you to make a list of all the people you love, how long would it take until you put yourself on the list?” after a moment i’d say: “if putting yourself on the list wasn’t the first thing you thought of, you’re not alone. in fact, you’re probably like me and the vast majority of people out there. more than likely you thought of any number of others before you got to adding yourself…if you even thought of listing yourself at all. the reason for this is that, for most of us, loving ourselves is not something we’re taught how to do. for many, it may even sound weird or conceited. in fact, until we learn to love ourselves with the same compassionate love that is given and received in the herd dynamics of horses, we may not truly love the people we do put on our list.”. as i asked participants to think back and try to uncover the source of their feelings of inadequacy, surprisingly many remembered them originating from a particular judgment or criticism they’d received long ago as a young child, from one of their parents. they also realized that their lack of self-love and self-worth, which originated in childhood, was having self-defeating effects on them as adults. when a child feels a parent is judging, criticizing, or telling them they are wrong, they often don’t feel like they’re being seen, accepted, or loved for who they are. children internalize this and believe there must be something wrong with them. this can often be the beginning of lifelong feelings of low self-esteem, inadequacy, and being “different” from other people. the more people feel this way, the more difficult it becomes for them to identify with, have compassion for, or get along with other humans. though rarely lacking the best of intentions, what is most often missing between adults and their children could simply be defined as healthy loving parenting. i conceived this term based on my experience as a father and a son, and from what i learned i needed in order to love myself—all of which i will share in the following chapters. remarkably, i have found that the love that one experiences from healthy loving parenting is identical to the love expressed in the compassionate qualities given and received by horses in their equine herd dynamics. i believe raising children with healthy loving parenting that empowers them with self-love and self-worth is humanity’s most crucial and consequential responsibility. it is only when we can love others with the same compassion with which we have learned to love ourselves that we will be able to peacefully coexist in the world. horses taught me the meaning of unequivocal acceptance, understanding, kindness, and compassion, all of which i needed to truly love myself and heal my own feelings of inadequacy. when horses first entered my life, i simply saw them as huge powerful animals. interacting with them meant sitting on their backs and riding them. what evolved and what i discovered over time was that when i was with a horse, i was actually having an interspecies relationship with another sentient being. an “animal,” yes, but one with what we might identify as the same “human” emotional qualities like love, fear, anger, playfulness, anxiety, and confidence. most importantly, horses taught me the meaning of unequivocal acceptance, understanding, kindness, and compassion, all of which i needed to truly love myself and heal my own feelings of inadequacy. for many people, having a positive relationship with a horse can be the first time they have ever experienced a genuine sense of unconditional acceptance or love. such moments between two species, however brief, are remarkable. the fact that this can be achieved from simply interacting with a horse on the ground is extraordinary. in the following pages i would like to share how horses came into my life and more about what they have taught me about myself, and humans in general. most importantly, i wish to convey what horses have taught me about what i have come to believe is the true universal meaning of love for all beings. horses have the ability to instantly remind us that, just like them, we all share the same world, we all share the same fears and desires, and more than anything else, we all desperately desire to get along with each other. if we can learn from horses how to love ourselves and each other, maybe we can learn how to live together in peace with our own herd of eight billion that we call humanity. ***. to order your copy of horses humans and love: powerful lessons from the herd from trafalgar square books, click here. &&>

Tim Hayes holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Vermont and is an Adjunct Professor of Equine Therapy and Natural Horsemanship at The University of Vermont and Vermont State University. He is an internationally recognized clinician, conducting clinics in natural horsemanship, equine-assisted therapy, and self-discovery.

***

When I sat down to write this book, in what could be called the fourth and final quarter of my life, I was filled with enormous gratitude for the many years I was able to be with horses. I was struck not only by how much I had learned about them but how much they had taught me about myself. Even more remarkable was what horses taught me about love—love in our relationships, love for humanity, and most importantly…love for ourselves. Horses have taught me how to be a better person, a better partner, a better parent, and how to have better relationships with anyone—most of all, with myself.

Scroll to continue with content

Born in 1945, I grew up and developed my own belief in the meaning of love. I determined it was a combination of romance, sex, and the feeling of being loved by someone.

Horses changed all that.

After studying horse relationships for many years, I discovered that what I now call love was made manifest as I observed the compassionate qualities in how horses treated and related to each other. These, I learned from my horsemanship teachers, were referred to as herd dynamics. Treating one another with these altruistic behaviors not only allowed horses to form and sustain constructive lifelong relationships, it enabled them to peacefully live together, and thus was part of a skillset that had ensured their survival for more than fifty million years. These altruistic qualities of equine herd dynamics have since become my template for the love I believe is just as indispensable in all human-to-human relationships, including marriages, partnerings, parenting, and most importantly with ourselves.

My first book, Riding Home: The Power of Horses to Heal, published in 2015, explained how and why horses have the extraordinary ability to heal deep psychological wounds in humans, such as those suffered by a war veteran with PTSD, an individual with an addiction, a troubled teenager, or basically anyone in emotional pain who has lost their way. As interest in equine-assisted therapy began to increase, I was asked to use Riding Home as a textbook and teach the principles, methods, and techniques that I had used and experienced at two universities and in international clinics. In both venues the participants were men and women who wanted to learn how and why equine-assisted therapy had become such a powerfully effective method of healing in the field of mental health. These classes and clinics were not for people seeking help with their own personal mental or emotional issues, but for those looking to understand and help further the uses of the therapy itself.

After working with hundreds of people who were not actively seeking therapy but were just interested in the subject, I discovered that the self- awareness people experienced from interacting with horses, regardless of what brought them there in the first place, would often lead to life-changing personal discoveries. Creating a safe, non-judgmental relationship with a horse could actually reveal what people thought about themselves.

If I asked you to make a list of all the people you love, how long would it take until you put yourself on the list?

As the individuals attending my university classes and worldwide clinics shared their feelings about the work we were doing together, one specific and deeply personal admission about their self-esteem was revealed so often it seemed to be almost universal: Nearly everyone at some point harbored feelings of inadequacy.

When this happened, I’d share what I had learned from horses about love, and specifically, the importance of loving oneself. I would explain that when you truly love yourself, you know:

You are a one-of-a-kind human.
You are important.
You matter.
Your life has meaning.

When you know these things, you unconditionally love and accept yourself just as you are, regardless of your education, money, career, job, partner, spouse, house, car, what you look like, and what you perceive to be your personal shortcomings. You won’t need to compare yourself to anyone to establish your self-worth. When you don’t completely believe and feel this way, you will most likely experience intermittent feelings of inadequacy. These are often expressed as feeling like you’re not enough or not good enough. When you truly love yourself, it is impossible to feel inadequate.

I would ask everyone in my classes and clinics (and I ask you, the reader, now) the following question: “If I asked you to make a list of all the people you love, how long would it take until you put yourself on the list?” After a moment I’d say: “If putting yourself on the list wasn’t the first thing you thought of, you’re not alone. In fact, you’re probably like me and the vast majority of people out there. More than likely you thought of any number of others before you got to adding yourself…if you even thought of listing yourself at all. The reason for this is that, for most of us, loving ourselves is not something we’re taught how to do. For many, it may even sound weird or conceited. In fact, until we learn to love ourselves with the same compassionate love that is given and received in the herd dynamics of horses, we may not truly love the people we do put on our list.”

As I asked participants to think back and try to uncover the source of their feelings of inadequacy, surprisingly many remembered them originating from a particular judgment or criticism they’d received long ago as a young child, from one of their parents. They also realized that their lack of self-love and self-worth, which originated in childhood, was having self-defeating effects on them as adults.

When a child feels a parent is judging, criticizing, or telling them they are wrong, they often don’t feel like they’re being seen, accepted, or loved for who they are. Children internalize this and believe there must be something wrong with them. This can often be the beginning of lifelong feelings of low self-esteem, inadequacy, and being “different” from other people. The more people feel this way, the more difficult it becomes for them to identify with, have compassion for, or get along with other humans.

Though rarely lacking the best of intentions, what is most often missing between adults and their children could simply be defined as healthy loving parenting. I conceived this term based on my experience as a father and a son, and from what I learned I needed in order to love myself—all of which I will share in the following chapters. Remarkably, I have found that the love that one experiences from healthy loving parenting is identical to the love expressed in the compassionate qualities given and received by horses in their equine herd dynamics.

I believe raising children with healthy loving parenting that empowers them with self-love and self-worth is humanity’s most crucial and consequential responsibility. It is only when we can love others with the same compassion with which we have learned to love ourselves that we will be able to peacefully coexist in the world.

Horses taught me the meaning of unequivocal acceptance, understanding, kindness, and compassion, all of which I needed to truly love myself and heal my own feelings of inadequacy.

When horses first entered my life, I simply saw them as huge powerful animals. Interacting with them meant sitting on their backs and riding them. What evolved and what I discovered over time was that when I was with a horse, I was actually having an interspecies relationship with another sentient being. An “animal,” yes, but one with what we might identify as the same “human” emotional qualities like love, fear, anger, playfulness, anxiety, and confidence. Most importantly, horses taught me the meaning of unequivocal acceptance, understanding, kindness, and compassion, all of which I needed to truly love myself and heal my own feelings of inadequacy.

For many people, having a positive relationship with a horse can be the first time they have ever experienced a genuine sense of unconditional acceptance or love. Such moments between two species, however brief, are remarkable. The fact that this can be achieved from simply interacting with a horse on the ground is extraordinary.

In the following pages I would like to share how horses came into my life and more about what they have taught me about myself, and humans in general. Most importantly, I wish to convey what horses have taught me about what I have come to believe is the true universal meaning of love for all beings.

Horses have the ability to instantly remind us that, just like them, we all share the same world, we all share the same fears and desires, and more than anything else, we all desperately desire to get along with each other. If we can learn from horses how to love ourselves and each other, maybe we can learn how to live together in peace with our own herd of eight billion that we call humanity.

***

To order your copy of Horses Humans and Love: Powerful Lessons From the Herd from Trafalgar Square Books, click here.